Reading this winkingly-titled tale of the wacky goings-on at the Interior Department ("Gov't Officials Probed About Illicit Sex, Gifts"), with the payoffs and the kickbacks and the blow and the humping, I realize that this is the kind of boss I should have been:
The reports also said former head of the Denver Royalty-in-Kind office, Gregory W. Smith, used cocaine and had sex with subordinates.
Did I ever do cocaine or have sex with subordinates? No, all I ever did was bring doughnuts. And laughter, maybe. Oh, and once, I gave the copier chylamidia*.
*Joke boosted from The Venture Brothers, which I credit here in full.
UPDATE: Oh man this is great. From Thee New York Times article:
In discussions with investigators, the report said, Mr. Smith acknowledged buying cocaine from his secretary and having a sexual encounter with her at her home, but denied discussing drugs at work. He also denied telling anyone to lie, saying that he only told people that “no one has a right to know what I do on my personal time.”On one occasion in 2002, the report said, two of the officials who marketed taxpayers’ oil got so drunk at a daytime golfing event sponsored by Shell that they could not drive to their hotels and were put up in Shell-provided lodging.
IS THIS OUTFIT HIRING AND HOW DO I SUBMIT MY RESUME?