Saturday, August 30, 2008

Two Presidents. Two Futures. One Cup . . . of Post-Apocalyptic Whoop-ass.

There are two (2) new end-times video games coming out for Ye Xboxe 360e in the next few months that each offer a unique look at two laugh-a-minute, exploding-head-filled futures. And I've managed to link them to the upcoming Presidential election because I am good at stretching.

Fallout 3 (Oct. 24), which takes place in a blasted wasteland formerly known as "U.S.A." after El Uno Grande, should be considered mandatory playing (or training, even) in the event that Senator "Nuke" McCain ascends to the throne and enacts "Fissile Diplomacy." In this sequel to the legendary Fallout series of PC RPGs, you play a gritty loner with a penchant for blasting people's limbs off who needs to save his in-bred fallout shelter from some crisis.

Left 4 Dead (Nov. 18), which makes you just one pretty petal of a beautiful multi-cultural and -sexual rainbow flower of heavily armed regular folks who must work together, in cap-busting harmony, to pump mountains of lead into the armies of zombies who would very much like to eat your hippocampus. This is, of course, what will happen if Senator "Stem Cell" Obama's twisted "secular humanist scientists" are allowed to "learn" and "try" scary new ideas. Like "curing shit."

Both should give us plenty of time to prepare for the two unique horrific end times each administration will bring. Enjoy.

Here's a nice bit from Fallout 3 (bust a cap in some irradiated raider scum to classic R&B!).

And here's how things roll in Left 4 Dead, after the zombies come to town (also smart tunes here: delight in the awesome stock horror/Goblin-sounding music!)

Friday, August 29, 2008

Introducing the VPILF

Would you like to chat online with hot GOP governors/vice-presidential candidates in oddly East German eyeglasses pretending to use computers, just like this one?
They're waiting for your hot, probing, constituent queries RIGHT NOW.
UPDATE: Hats off to this outfit, says me and HuffPo!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

FlurkrFind #97

Veepstakes 2: Electoral Boogaloo

Now that Senator "Ramblin'" Joe Biden has filled the "Mid-60s, white Catholic Delaware Senator" role for the Barack Hussein* "Moses" Obama campaign (and given them someone who can get the Senior discount, which on the road is really going to add up to some SWEET savings), it's John "I Knew Moses, and Barack is no Moses" McCain's turn to pick a goofy, loveable sidekick for a couple months of grueling travel, vicious attacks, some kinda debate thingie, and--most importantly--someone to stick with the enormous tab when the Straight Talk Express stops at Golden Corral.

*Quick, what's John McCain's middle name? It's "Sidney."

I feel that, much like Obama picked an older dude to help connect with people who don't like queer new-fangled things like "civil rights," McCain should pick "younger," but not too young, because it will reinforce the fact that Johnny Mac is 84 years old and was shot down, in fact, during the Spanish-American War. Picking a little younger is good; Joe Lieberman would be helpful in that it would make McCain look downright studly, despite his scars, limp, and little Tyrannosaurus Rex arms that he uses to throw things at his goddamn stupid incompetent family and staffers. Goddamn NVA torturers.

Here's Johnny Mac's Ultra-Sexy Dating Pool:

Joe "Lucky No. 7" Lieberman
Senator and Dirty Party-Switcher, Connecticut
Age: 66
Middle Name: Isadore (really!)

He'll definitely help with the "I think Hussein Obama is an al-Qaeda Mole" vote. Here's what you should know about Joe Lieberman's popularity outside his home state. I quoteth, reluctantly (but with cleaned up text), from Wikipedia:
In total popular vote [in the 2004 Democratic primaries] he placed 7th, behind eventual nominee John Kerry, future Vice Presidential nominee North Carolina Senator John Edwards, former Governor of Vermont Howard Dean, Ohio Representative Dennis Kucinich, retired General Wesley Clark, and Reverend Al Sharpton.
Al Sharpton beat him. In America. Think about that. Good night, Joe.

Tim "Good 'n" Pawlenty
Governor, Minnesota
Age: 47
Middle Name: James

Besides having the most awesome nickname potential, this guy wasn't even born until McCain had been out of the Naval Academy for two years. Bad: Evangelical. Good: Hockey player.

Tom "Let's Just Say That I Owe Cheney and Rumsfeld A Serious Beating" Ridge
Governor, Pennsylvania
Age: 63
Middle Name: Joseph

Ridge will help negate the "Scranton Catholic Squeezeplay" that Biden is obviously aboard to create, in which he can associate with enough semi-retarded Pennsyltuckians to confuse them into not voting for McCain, at least. Ridge is also a Vietnam veteran, though he was an Army grunt, which means he thinks McCain is a playboy jackoff mama's boy pilot queerbo. He's pro-choice, which will help get some votes from people who don't think the Sun rotates around the Earth, but apparently this poll suggests that would alienate retards. He was almost Bush's Veep pick in 2000 (it went to Draft-Dodging Friend's-Face-Shooting Dick Cheney) and then Colin Powell wanted him to be SecDef (Captain Sunshine Rumsfeld got it because draft-dodging conservatives who think the Earth was created in six days thought Vietnam Veteran Ridge was a pussy), so, that could have been interesting.

Mitt "ens" Romney
Former Governor, Massachusetts
Age: 61
Middle Name: Mitt
Actual First Name: Willard

Mittens got a 1600 (which used to be a perfect score, kids!) on his SAT, he's a Mormon, and recently remembered that he hates abortion. Those are some fucking weird, slim demographics, pal. Also, I think McCain don't trust him. Would you?

So, there you go. I think it goes Ridge, Lieberman, Good n Pawlenty, and Romney if all those other dudes get indicted for donkey porn or something.

FlurkrFind #96

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Friday, August 22, 2008

FlurkrFind #94

Friday, August 15, 2008

FlurkrFind #93

Here's hoping you don't visit this town this weekend.

"Wait, are you telling me I got Jay McInerney's sloppy seconds?"

As we all know by know, Senator John Edwards is a big fat well-coiffed smooth-talking liar chav. Thanks to the nation's only real newspaper, the National Enquirer.

Sidebar: What is it with bright, hopeful, talented Southern lawyers with grand political aspirations? Why they such poontang hounds with such shoddy taste in tarts?

Anyway, after weeks of ignoring the story, Thee Maine Streame Mediae is now not only on the case, they (NYT) are finding out that things may not be as they seem.

But here's one element of the whole thing that is driving me cracker barrel crazy: Why are people complaining about these reports, citing that it's a "personal matter" that doesn't bear examination? Jeezus Keerist, the executive producer of The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer even censored coverage of the story! Both WaPostie David Broder and Salon's (etc.) Walter Shapiro were "shocked" by the news. How does that happen? Do these guys suck that badly at their jobs? (Probably, yes.)

Look, the man wanted to be PRESIDENT and he couldn't even effectively lie about boinking some aura-scoping kinda-nutty moniker-flip-flopping "documentarienne" well enough to pull it off (Also: Fox News classily manages to tie Rielle Hunter to the JonBenet Ramsay murder case!) And now Edwards's goddamn lawyers maybe gave away some hidden info with their ass-covering strategems? If Edwards couldn't even pull off getting a little on the side while his wife had death cancer (nice move!), I don't want him handling anything more complicated than a Jiffy Lube zoning.

In conclusion: I'm voting for REAL CHANGE:

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

FlurkrFind #93

Bad morning

Monday, August 11, 2008

Don't Call It A Comeback

FlurkrFind #92

Profiles in Awesomeness: Max McGee

"When it's third and ten,
you can take the milk drinkers

and I'll take the whiskey drinkers every time."

These sage words come from former Green Bay Packer Max McGee, who died almost a year ago; he uttered the above wisdom in reference to his own stellar performance in Super Bowl I (one), in which he caught the first touchdown of the first Super Bowl while suffering what was not his first hangover. He didn't even bring his helmet with him onto the field; he borrowed one when he was unexpectedly thrust onto the gridiron and into the history books. Also: He went on to be a big force behind the Chi-Chi's chain of "Mexican" restaurants. Ingloriously, he fell off his roof while cleaning leaves out of the gutters, and died at the age of 75.

As we can see from the above image, purported to be McGee's rookie card, Max was 43 when he entered the league.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Rolling is Racing

Arcadia Volunteer Fire Company Demolition Derby, August 9, 2008

(We brought a 45-piece box of fried chicken.)

Saturday, August 9, 2008

FlurkrFind #91

Friday, August 8, 2008

From The Ginfinger Files: White Paint

Though the fact that gin is wicked better than vodka is utterly obviously true, the question "But why is gin better than vodka?" is a fair one. Here's a smashing answer from the probably-brilliant Audrey Saunders of NYC's Pegu Club, as told to Heather John of Bon Appetit,* who wrote a swell story about gin's resurgence in the June 2007 issue:
"Gin adds flavor and a depth and complexity that isn't there with vodka. Vodka is a blank canvas, and it basically takes on the color of any other flavor. Vodka behaves like white paint; it really just bring an alcohol proof to the mix. "
Someday, I will paint my basement walls with 90 proof white vodka paint, and sit in my bamboo swing chair and read a four-color periodical sports magazine and drink a gin and tonic.

*Thanks to Kimry for the tip.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Oh Give Me A Home

From Defamer:
Mark Ruffalo, last of the great Ruffalos that once covered the majestic American plains, will direct Sympathy for Delicious, about "a paralyzed DJ struggling to survive in his wheelchair on the streets of L.A." We think we can picture it: Sort of Wheels meets Glitter. [Variety]

Awesome Things Heard on NPR #1

"There's a tremendous demand for box wine."
-All Things Considered, August 5, 2008

FlurkrFind #90

Friday, August 1, 2008

FlurkrFind #89