Thursday, August 28, 2008

Veepstakes 2: Electoral Boogaloo

Now that Senator "Ramblin'" Joe Biden has filled the "Mid-60s, white Catholic Delaware Senator" role for the Barack Hussein* "Moses" Obama campaign (and given them someone who can get the Senior discount, which on the road is really going to add up to some SWEET savings), it's John "I Knew Moses, and Barack is no Moses" McCain's turn to pick a goofy, loveable sidekick for a couple months of grueling travel, vicious attacks, some kinda debate thingie, and--most importantly--someone to stick with the enormous tab when the Straight Talk Express stops at Golden Corral.

*Quick, what's John McCain's middle name? It's "Sidney."

I feel that, much like Obama picked an older dude to help connect with people who don't like queer new-fangled things like "civil rights," McCain should pick "younger," but not too young, because it will reinforce the fact that Johnny Mac is 84 years old and was shot down, in fact, during the Spanish-American War. Picking a little younger is good; Joe Lieberman would be helpful in that it would make McCain look downright studly, despite his scars, limp, and little Tyrannosaurus Rex arms that he uses to throw things at his goddamn stupid incompetent family and staffers. Goddamn NVA torturers.

Here's Johnny Mac's Ultra-Sexy Dating Pool:

Joe "Lucky No. 7" Lieberman
Senator and Dirty Party-Switcher, Connecticut
Age: 66
Middle Name: Isadore (really!)

He'll definitely help with the "I think Hussein Obama is an al-Qaeda Mole" vote. Here's what you should know about Joe Lieberman's popularity outside his home state. I quoteth, reluctantly (but with cleaned up text), from Wikipedia:
In total popular vote [in the 2004 Democratic primaries] he placed 7th, behind eventual nominee John Kerry, future Vice Presidential nominee North Carolina Senator John Edwards, former Governor of Vermont Howard Dean, Ohio Representative Dennis Kucinich, retired General Wesley Clark, and Reverend Al Sharpton.
Al Sharpton beat him. In America. Think about that. Good night, Joe.

Tim "Good 'n" Pawlenty
Governor, Minnesota
Age: 47
Middle Name: James

Besides having the most awesome nickname potential, this guy wasn't even born until McCain had been out of the Naval Academy for two years. Bad: Evangelical. Good: Hockey player.

Tom "Let's Just Say That I Owe Cheney and Rumsfeld A Serious Beating" Ridge
Governor, Pennsylvania
Age: 63
Middle Name: Joseph

Ridge will help negate the "Scranton Catholic Squeezeplay" that Biden is obviously aboard to create, in which he can associate with enough semi-retarded Pennsyltuckians to confuse them into not voting for McCain, at least. Ridge is also a Vietnam veteran, though he was an Army grunt, which means he thinks McCain is a playboy jackoff mama's boy pilot queerbo. He's pro-choice, which will help get some votes from people who don't think the Sun rotates around the Earth, but apparently this poll suggests that would alienate retards. He was almost Bush's Veep pick in 2000 (it went to Draft-Dodging Friend's-Face-Shooting Dick Cheney) and then Colin Powell wanted him to be SecDef (Captain Sunshine Rumsfeld got it because draft-dodging conservatives who think the Earth was created in six days thought Vietnam Veteran Ridge was a pussy), so, that could have been interesting.

Mitt "ens" Romney
Former Governor, Massachusetts
Age: 61
Middle Name: Mitt
Actual First Name: Willard

Mittens got a 1600 (which used to be a perfect score, kids!) on his SAT, he's a Mormon, and recently remembered that he hates abortion. Those are some fucking weird, slim demographics, pal. Also, I think McCain don't trust him. Would you?

So, there you go. I think it goes Ridge, Lieberman, Good n Pawlenty, and Romney if all those other dudes get indicted for donkey porn or something.

1 comment:

Amy said...

But what about TEH HUCKABEEZ?!?!