Said Barack to John: "We're Going To Do It Very Slowly."

I can't believe they actually did this.

But I can.

"Are you ready to take the oath?" Roberts asked.

"I am, and we're going to do it very slowly," Obama replied.

Breaking: Obama is NOT PRESIDENT

BECAUSE BUSH'S RETARD CHOICE FOR CHIEF JUSTICE IS EVEN LESS ADEPT AT ENGLISH-TALKING THAN W. This, I believe, is part of a cunning plot by the Bushies (or Rovers or Cheneyucks) to retroactively remove Obama from office (which he doesn't even officially hold now, but work with me) and re-install Goober-in-Chief Bush and his S.A. goons. MARK MY WORDS.

[EDIT: This argument will surely be proffered, posited, and promulgated by the anti-thinkingest Ass. Justice, Antonin "I'd Rather Be Practicing Zealous Constructionism Than Thinking!" Scalia, who regards the Constitution as a locked document unworthy of exhibiting flexibility or poised to reward thought and intelligent application, much like those folks who think the Bible is the literal history of the world and time, which has only existed for 4,000 years, you know. So basically, according to Scalia, why should we have a Supreme Court? Why pay for nine justices? We can just have someone who has his or her letters look it up in the Constitution. If it ain't in there, than it ain't thee law. The. End.]

This new conspiracy/meme will supplant the "Obama is not a natural-born American" chestnut effective immediately.

That is all.

Photo: Doug Mills/The New York Times

America v. Its Own Idiots: Exhibit A

Dear Dumb America:

You know how you get all ornery and flustered when people who don't watch WWE or own "The Purpose-Driven Life" (a.k.a. "elitists") start telling you that your beliefs are ill-informed and wrong, and that you are thick-headed rubes, and that you shouldn't vote for someone for high office just because they are as borderline adequate as you are?

This is why "elitists" do things like that: Because you are a bunch of immature idiots. This also pertains to your reaction to being told you are an immature idiot, which is to throw a patriotic hissy fit about "elitists" and, in a fit of smug "I'll show them" thinking, elect your kick-ass custom camo ATV as County Commissioner.

Anyway:

Call it a self-fulfilling prophecy: An estimated three-fourths of gas stations in the Nashville, Tennessee, area ran dry Friday, victim of an apparent rumor that the city was running out of gas.

"Everybody has just gone nuts," said Mike Williams, executive director of the Tennessee Petroleum Council.

He said he has no idea about the origin of a rumor that there was going to be no gas in Nashville. One reporter called him, saying she had heard that Nashville would be without gas within the hour, he said.

Hearing the rumor, drivers rushed to fill their cars and trucks.

Ok, so, just to recap: Cities don't run out of gas . . . well, unless a hurricane hits them and President Bush's FEMA doesn't do its job and clear the roads for the fuel trucks that it forgot to order.

Next week: Obama is not a Muslim, you fucktards.

Extra credit: Why that shouldn't even matter, you double fucktards.

Two Presidents. Two Futures. One Cup . . . of Post-Apocalyptic Whoop-ass.

There are two (2) new end-times video games coming out for Ye Xboxe 360e in the next few months that each offer a unique look at two laugh-a-minute, exploding-head-filled futures. And I've managed to link them to the upcoming Presidential election because I am good at stretching.

Fallout 3 (Oct. 24), which takes place in a blasted wasteland formerly known as "U.S.A." after El Uno Grande, should be considered mandatory playing (or training, even) in the event that Senator "Nuke" McCain ascends to the throne and enacts "Fissile Diplomacy." In this sequel to the legendary Fallout series of PC RPGs, you play a gritty loner with a penchant for blasting people's limbs off who needs to save his in-bred fallout shelter from some crisis.


Left 4 Dead (Nov. 18), which makes you just one pretty petal of a beautiful multi-cultural and -sexual rainbow flower of heavily armed regular folks who must work together, in cap-busting harmony, to pump mountains of lead into the armies of zombies who would very much like to eat your hippocampus. This is, of course, what will happen if Senator "Stem Cell" Obama's twisted "secular humanist scientists" are allowed to "learn" and "try" scary new ideas. Like "curing shit."

Both should give us plenty of time to prepare for the two unique horrific end times each administration will bring. Enjoy.

Here's a nice bit from Fallout 3 (bust a cap in some irradiated raider scum to classic R&B!).



And here's how things roll in Left 4 Dead, after the zombies come to town (also smart tunes here: delight in the awesome stock horror/Goblin-sounding music!)

Left 4 Dead 360 'Urban Battleground' gameplay

Veepstakes 2: Electoral Boogaloo

Now that Senator "Ramblin'" Joe Biden has filled the "Mid-60s, white Catholic Delaware Senator" role for the Barack Hussein* "Moses" Obama campaign (and given them someone who can get the Senior discount, which on the road is really going to add up to some SWEET savings), it's John "I Knew Moses, and Barack is no Moses" McCain's turn to pick a goofy, loveable sidekick for a couple months of grueling travel, vicious attacks, some kinda debate thingie, and--most importantly--someone to stick with the enormous tab when the Straight Talk Express stops at Golden Corral.

*Quick, what's John McCain's middle name? It's "Sidney."

I feel that, much like Obama picked an older dude to help connect with people who don't like queer new-fangled things like "civil rights," McCain should pick "younger," but not too young, because it will reinforce the fact that Johnny Mac is 84 years old and was shot down, in fact, during the Spanish-American War. Picking a little younger is good; Joe Lieberman would be helpful in that it would make McCain look downright studly, despite his scars, limp, and little Tyrannosaurus Rex arms that he uses to throw things at his goddamn stupid incompetent family and staffers. Goddamn NVA torturers.

Here's Johnny Mac's Ultra-Sexy Dating Pool:

Joe "Lucky No. 7" Lieberman
Senator and Dirty Party-Switcher, Connecticut
Age: 66
Middle Name: Isadore (really!)

He'll definitely help with the "I think Hussein Obama is an al-Qaeda Mole" vote. Here's what you should know about Joe Lieberman's popularity outside his home state. I quoteth, reluctantly (but with cleaned up text), from Wikipedia:

In total popular vote [in the 2004 Democratic primaries] he placed 7th, behind eventual nominee John Kerry, future Vice Presidential nominee North Carolina Senator John Edwards, former Governor of Vermont Howard Dean, Ohio Representative Dennis Kucinich, retired General Wesley Clark, and Reverend Al Sharpton.

Al Sharpton beat him. In America. Think about that. Good night, Joe.

Tim "Good 'n" Pawlenty

Governor, Minnesota
Age: 47
Middle Name: James

Besides having the most awesome nickname potential, this guy wasn't even born until McCain had been out of the Naval Academy for two years. Bad: Evangelical. Good: Hockey player.

Tom "Let's Just Say That I Owe Cheney and Rumsfeld A Serious Beating" Ridge
Governor, Pennsylvania
Age: 63
Middle Name: Joseph

Ridge will help negate the "Scranton Catholic Squeezeplay" that Biden is obviously aboard to create, in which he can associate with enough semi-retarded Pennsyltuckians to confuse them into not voting for McCain, at least. Ridge is also a Vietnam veteran, though he was an Army grunt, which means he thinks McCain is a playboy jackoff mama's boy pilot queerbo. He's pro-choice, which will help get some votes from people who don't think the Sun rotates around the Earth, but apparently this poll suggests that would alienate retards. He was almost Bush's Veep pick in 2000 (it went to Draft-Dodging Friend's-Face-Shooting Dick Cheney) and then Colin Powell wanted him to be SecDef (Captain Sunshine Rumsfeld got it because draft-dodging conservatives who think the Earth was created in six days thought Vietnam Veteran Ridge was a pussy), so, that could have been interesting.

Mitt "ens" Romney
Former Governor, Massachusetts
Age: 61
Middle Name: Mitt
Actual First Name: Willard

Mittens got a 1600 (which used to be a perfect score, kids!) on his SAT, he's a Mormon, and recently remembered that he hates abortion. Those are some fucking weird, slim demographics, pal. Also, I think McCain don't trust him. Would you?

So, there you go. I think it goes Ridge, Lieberman, Good n Pawlenty, and Romney if all those other dudes get indicted for donkey porn or something.

Don't Call It A Comeback