Welcome to the first installment of Laser Pants's Product-Less Product Review.
Today, let's take a look at Amazon's new Kindle 2. It costs $359 US.
And here it is:
The Kindle 2
Check it out.
It's white plastic.
Got a little keyboard.
Some buttons on the side.
And . . . we're done.
For a quick comparison to another popular handheld electronic device, here's a photo of Apple's iPhone.
I'd have to say that the first and most obvious shortcoming of the Kindle is the IT'S STILL IN FUCKING BLACK AND WHITE, not unlike the Franklin Executive Desk Companion DCN-290.
Here is an image of the Franklin Executive Desk Companion DCN-290. I couldn't find a picture of a human hand actually holding this fucking thing, because I guess all the hand models were like "Touch it? TOUCH it?!?!? Are you fucking insane? I'd rather do bestiality hand porn."
Wait, do you see what I see? It looks like this goddamn thing has a touch screen. UNLIKE THE KINDLE.
And you know what? That's pretty much the end of this review. With an a) like "It's in black and white and doesn't have a touch screen," you don't need a b). We shan't even get into the lack of video, photo, music, telephony, camera, e-mail, GPS, etc. etc. etc. Yes, I understand that those aren't the job of the Kindle. The job of the Kindle is, apparently, to be a really shitty book. With a keyboard.
And a black and white screen.
Here's another image of it.
Look, there's President Obama, on the front page of Thee New York Times.
Which, the last time I checked, WAS PRINTED ON NEWSPRINT IN FUCKING COLOR.
I am totally fucking perplexed as to why anyone would look at this boring black and white affront to humanity and go, "Oh sure, I'll pay $359 for black and white and no telephone or music. Sign me up. Fuck it, I'll take two. I'm going to give one to my domestic help, for whom I pay no taxes."
Oh . . . wait . . . I was peeping the hawt specs on this and just noticed that the Kindle 2 now boasts "20% faster page turns."
Whoa . . . TWENTY percent?
Well, OK then.