Hail to the Deadskins

Long, very analytical "Analysis" piece in today's WaPost about what the Washington Indigenous Peoples Football Team needs to do to stop sucking so hard and get out of third gear. The article suggests such improbable concepts as "Committing to a Plan."

So how can the Skins get better?

Real-world answer, from players and coaches: New linemen.

Never-gonna-happen answer: New management and ownership.

The first team held up as an example of "how to do it" is your "Golden Horseshoe Up Their Ass" Baltimore Ravens, which just lost the AFC Championship game--a brutal, vicious fight which, someday, Willis McGehee will be told about.

But for Redskins fans, who have not enjoyed a regular season with at least 11 victories since the 1991 season, when the team last played in the Super Bowl, the goal might be far simpler: Be like the Falcons. Or the Dolphins. Or, best of all, the Ravens.

Baltimore Sun photo by Kenneth K. Lam

Inauguration Heights

Click to enlargeify. Courtesy of our OverNerds at Popular Science.

(Via Kevin Hoffman)

Woodward (Bob) and Bernstein (Carl) on Felt (Mark)

From the Santa Rosa Press Democrat: Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein speaking at Mark Felt's memorial service.

(Via Poynter)

Breaking: Obama is NOT PRESIDENT

BECAUSE BUSH'S RETARD CHOICE FOR CHIEF JUSTICE IS EVEN LESS ADEPT AT ENGLISH-TALKING THAN W. This, I believe, is part of a cunning plot by the Bushies (or Rovers or Cheneyucks) to retroactively remove Obama from office (which he doesn't even officially hold now, but work with me) and re-install Goober-in-Chief Bush and his S.A. goons. MARK MY WORDS.

[EDIT: This argument will surely be proffered, posited, and promulgated by the anti-thinkingest Ass. Justice, Antonin "I'd Rather Be Practicing Zealous Constructionism Than Thinking!" Scalia, who regards the Constitution as a locked document unworthy of exhibiting flexibility or poised to reward thought and intelligent application, much like those folks who think the Bible is the literal history of the world and time, which has only existed for 4,000 years, you know. So basically, according to Scalia, why should we have a Supreme Court? Why pay for nine justices? We can just have someone who has his or her letters look it up in the Constitution. If it ain't in there, than it ain't thee law. The. End.]

This new conspiracy/meme will supplant the "Obama is not a natural-born American" chestnut effective immediately.

That is all.

Photo: Doug Mills/The New York Times

Orioles Finish First!

"I never should have gone to Baltimore. That's the most dysfunctional joint I've been around in 42 years of baseball."

-Ex-O's-pitching coach Leo Mazzone, ESPN Magazine, Jan. 26 2009

Lights Out

"Comrade, let us build nuclear-powered lighthouses to illuminate the workers' paradise and guide the workers' vessels safely through the rocks of the Arctic Circle! Then let us abandon them to the looters and elements. Spasibo!"

Spotted on Neatorama; comes from the stupendous English Russia.

Haai dola dil dola mann dola re dola

From Devdas.

Best Worst Photoshop for January

Breaking News: The Sun is completely awful, Part MCMXVII

Here's a screengrab from this evening's Baltimore Sun website. See that link five down, the one in red and blue that reads "Looking for Tickets? Get them here"? Well, that happens to be a link to a page to buy tickets for the upcoming Ravens at thee Tennessee Titans (Titmice) NFL Football Game Contest this weekend, through a company called TicketNetwork Direct.

Problem one: WHY IS THIS ON THE EDITORIAL SPREAD? It's not editorial. It's a bullshit ad slipped in between actual editorial stories about the Ravens. Slimy marketing people are responsible for this, and the new leadership at the Sun is garbage for OK-ing it, because they are stupid and, in the words of one former Sun staffer, "a fucking retard." They should be sent to North Korea for reeducation and other fun physical workouts.

Problem two: In the Harford Courant, there's a lengthy Sept. 30, 2008 blog posting that warns people against using companies like TicketNetwork Direct. The Harford Courant is owned by the Tribune Company, which also owns The Sun. Does anyone at the Tribune read their own papers? Answer: What do you think? Hell no.

Whatever. I give up, again.