Laser Pants

O'snap!

2009-12-16T08:36:00.001-05:00

Play Em Off, Keyboard Cat

2009-12-15T15:44:00.002-05:00

Custom Hand-Painted Keyboard Cat On Black Velvet
By Jorge Terrones

Profiles In How To Hold A Grudge: Brendan Shanahan

2009-12-06T19:23:00.007-05:00

From the Newark (NJ) Star-Ledger:

Brendan Shanahan tells a story [...] about growing up as a Maple Leafs fan and meeting former Toronto captain Rick Vaive during the summer of 1983.

“When I was 14 years old I was skating in the summertime at a rink in Toronto,” Shahanan recalled. “Rick Vaive happened to be skating at an adjoining rink and we were actually in dressing rooms that were right next to each other.

“I went in when he was sort of settled and asked him for an autograph. I didn’t get the best response from Rick Vaive at that time.”

------

“Fast forward four years later and Rick Vaive is waiting for a meaningless faceoff in Buffalo,” Shanahan said. “He’s now playing for the Sabres. He’s lined up next to some 18-year-old kid from New Jersey. When the puck dropped, I attacked Rick Vaive.

“It was a quiet, uneventful game. He couldn’t believe the rage I had, not only in attacking him, but it took two (linesmen) to restrain me afterwards and throw me in the penalty box.”

via Deadspin

Bad Ass Custom Van Pew Pew

2009-11-23T16:19:00.001-05:00

ULTIMATE ROCK ‘N’ ROLL ON WHEELS | THE 1970’s VAN CUSTOMIZATION CRAZE

(via MetaFilter)

Play Kniceley!

2009-11-20T16:55:00.006-05:00

Times West Virginian publisher Andrew Kniceley (left)

. . . oh all right, there is more.

From Poynter:
used his newspaper to apologize for yelling at a football coach because his son played only three plays in a game. "I regret any embarrassment or discomfort that I have caused FSU [Fairmont State University], my newspaper and my family--especially my son Josh," writes the publisher, who is also chairman of the FSU board.

Also:
"I said to him I am not going to talk to you about this as long as you are coming at me like this," Lanham wrote. "He then said to me, 'I will talk to you when I want and where I want to talk to you.' . . . He kept coming at my chest to chest bump me and saying repeatedly, 'You will talk to me now.'"

Thankgiving Dinner

2009-11-20T12:23:00.004-05:00

"Off to a good start--with hot spiced tomato soup. And then--for digestion's sake--smoke a Camel right after the soup."

(Click to engrossen).

via MetaFilter

Tom Waits + Kool Keith

2009-11-18T18:56:00.000-05:00

25% More Cats Than Leading Refineries

2009-11-18T18:45:00.002-05:00

Courtesy The Joe Grey

Six Shooters

2009-11-16T10:57:00.007-05:00

Pistol Packing Mammas (via Dark Roasted Blend).

"What Happened to Yesterday?"

2009-11-14T10:58:00.001-05:00

"Sadly, the great Dock Ellis died last December at 63. A year before, radio producers Donnell Alexander and Neille Ilel, had recorded an interview with Ellis in which the former Pirate right hander gave a moment by moment account of June 12, 1970, the day he no-hit the San Diego Padres. Alexander and Ilels original four minute piece appeared March 29, 2008 on NPRs Weekend America. When we stumbled across that piece this past June, Blagden and Isenberg were inspired to create a short animated film around the original audio."

Pronounced "Marie-sick"

2009-11-12T18:11:00.009-05:00

The Stanford Cardinal's Owen Marecic plays both fullback and middle linebacker.

Stanford Coach Jim Harbaugh, a former NFL quarterback who played with such legendary tough guys as Mike Singletary and Ray Lewis, goes a step further.

"When I was a young football player, that was what I always dreamed of, being a player like him," Harbaugh says. "In 30 years of being around football and football teams, I've never seen a guy like this."

Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images

Hot Gun

2009-11-12T07:22:00.020-05:00

And on a lighter note: Meet People's Liberation Army Air Force (PLAAF) pilot Zhou Shuai. (From China Daily)

"In many ways, Zhou is just like many ordinary young people. She is a fan of classical composers and modern pop singers, such as Stefanie Sun, Jay Chou and Fish Leong, and enjoys crime fiction novels and watching Detective Conan, a popular Japanese cartoon.
She also spends the majority of her salary--5,000 yuan ($732) a month--on skincare products, fashion magazines and clothes, which she said she hardly wears as she is usually in uniform on the base."

Photo: courtesy of PLA Air Force

An Army of Lies

2009-11-12T06:42:00.010-05:00

Back to the Laser Pants but it's to level some grief at the US Army.

Once again, the Army's proven it's absolutely pathetic at gathering and providing correct information. Things started poorly at the Ft. Hood shootings when they reported that Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan was dead on the scene; he's not. Now, it seems that the story of how his killing spree was stopped may not be true either: the New York Times is reporting that a witness is saying that it was Senior Sgt. Mark Todd, a civilian police officer, who shot him, not Sgt. Kimberly D. Munley, who was shot by Maj. Hasan when she arrived on the scene.

This might be just the latest in what seems to be an ongoing pattern of completely fucking up reality for the Army. First was the 2003 tale of super soldier Pfc. Jessica Lynch, about whom the Army got pretty much every fact aside from her name wrong. From today's NY Times:

The confusion over what happened and the quickness of the military to label someone a hero seemed reminiscent of the case of Pfc. Jessica Lynch in 2003, when the Army initially reported Private Lynch had been captured in Iraq after a Rambo-like performance in which she emptied her weapon and was wounded in battle. It was later learned she had been badly hurt in a vehicle accident during an ambush and was being well cared for by the Iraqis.

Even her rescue drew later criticism for being overly dramatic and overblown as a daring commando raid--on a hospital at which there were no Iraqi troops.

Then's there's the really putrid way the Army lied and covered up the 2004 death by friendly fire of Cpl. Pat Tillman. A really disgraceful and disgraceful long-term campaign of lies, cover-ups, and indignities followed which did little to honor a pretty fascinating guy. Jon Krakauer has a new book about Tillman, "Where Men Win Glory."

So what's the deal with the Army? Why can't it get a story straight? Why is getting things wrong still so acceptable? And is the whole Army like this, or just the public relations branch?

Semi-Eternal Bacon

2009-08-27T07:12:00.002-04:00

Gizmodo brings news of Tactical Canned Bacon, with a price of $16, a content of about 54 slices of bacon, and a shelf-life of 10 years. Which is more strategic than tactical, isn't it? Who cares, it's a can of bacon with a kick-ass M-4 assault rifle on it.

Venture Brothers Season Four Go

2009-08-21T07:12:00.001-04:00

BREAKING NEWS

2009-08-06T15:59:00.005-04:00

HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT!!!!1!! DID YOU SEE THAT SNOOP DOGG WAS AT RAVENS TRAINING CAMP?!?!?!?! HE THREW A BALL OR SOMETHING!!!!1!!
Oh and there's some boring shit about some Mayor getting on a court or something.

Wire Ink

2009-08-05T11:12:00.005-04:00

E. Blake Hicks has done some work!

(thanks Atomic Books Rachel)

Kindlenfreude * **

2009-07-28T13:06:00.010-04:00

Kin'-dlen-froy-duh
n.

The shameful joy one feels when one reads another article about how unawesome the Kindle and Kindle Zwei are.

*Term developed with the assistance of Atomic Books. Check out their selection of national media Kindle-hatin' writing here. Or read it on your Kindle! Oh wait you can't. Because it's crap.

**And no complaints on the shitty German from the Teutonic section! I KNOW IT'S WRONG. IT'S HUMOR. Jeez. Here's Jürgen's suggestion: Elektrokindlebuchmaschinenschnitzelfreude. Funny, yes. Short, no.

Best of Times

2009-07-14T16:27:00.025-04:00

Crowd in Titusville, Florida, watching Apollo 11 take its crew to the moon, July 1969
(David Burnett/Contact Press Images)

Jenny Sanford, First Lady of South Carolina, June 2009 (AP photo)

Both images from the New York Times.
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What's App-ening: Where To Find The Good iPhone Apps

2009-07-08T09:01:00.022-04:00

Here's a brief list of sites that (in my opinion, yours probably sucks) do a good job of reviewing, previewing, pimping, or otherwise noting good and/or decent iPhone applications, commonly known as "apps" or "ptarmigans."

AppCraver
A solid place to start, lots of coverage of lots of apps from games to bidness stuff. Check out their Editor's Picks for a good starter pack.

Gizmodo's The Week in iPhone Apps
Four apps a week, a proper mix of fun, productivity, things that make fart or gun noises, and creative tools.

iLounge
If you (like me) were a stereo dork at a younger age and read Stereophile magazine, you'll recognize iLounge's style. But that's good, because there's some serious thought and criticism here, particularly handy when it comes to looking for an external battery pack to let you use your 3GS for more than five hours at a time.

Pocket Gamer.co.uk
Games! Game news! Game reviews (good ones!) Tips on what's cheap/free this week! You must get Peggle!

What They Play: John's Giant List of iPhone Games
This title ain't lyin': It's a big-ass list of iPhone games by 1UP's John Davidson. Check out the last review (for Yard Sale Hidden Treasures: Sunnyvale, a game I would have totally ignored, but did not thanks to John) and you'll see John's brilliante Olde Worlde wisdom.
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Moon Baltimore: THE INFAMOUS "THE SIGNAL" INTERVIEW

2009-06-22T09:22:00.028-04:00

Back by popular demand! Sort of.

Click player below (UPDATED: Now with 100% more working . . . in Firefox and Chrome. IE seems to be some sort of bigot.) to play the MP3 of Moon Baltimore's spot on WYPR 88.1 FM's The Signal from June 12, 2009. Remember where you were the first time you heard it? Me neither!

Woman putting on her lipstick in a park with Union Station behind her, Washington, D.C.

2009-06-18T13:50:00.001-04:00

From the Library of Congress Flickr site (really!):

Woman putting on her lipstick in a park with Union Station behind her, Washington, D.C.

[ca. 1943]

1 transparency : color.

Moon Baltimore UNLEASHED IN THE MULTIMEDIAS

2009-06-15T12:16:00.008-04:00

Moon Baltimore is ON THE STREETS and already people are talking about it (in my mind).

The initial promotional onslaught is detailed below:

WYPR 88.1 FM's The Signal's Lisa Morgan's interview with me about writing the book! (NOTE: Might Be Afflicted and Unworking for a little while)

Photos from the book premiere event at Atomic Books!

Get a copy yourself, either through an awesome Baltimore retailer or through Amazon!

Tortillaz In The Mist

2009-06-08T21:52:00.007-04:00

"Touch the Zesty Guacamole flavor to your tongue and you'll taste what Quaker Tortillaz are all about."

The kindly pacifist Quaker icon dude must be thrilled. "You can never be too thin – or too crunchy" reads the marketing copy. That's not very Quaker, is it?

How about:
"You can never be too thin or too crunchy -- or too pacifist!"

The Diver, or Scaphandrier

2009-06-08T09:45:00.002-04:00

"Nantes, the home town of Jules Verne, is situated in western France. Here, near the river Loire a giant deep-sea diver sleeps gently, waiting for his task to begin."

Softball Reporter

2009-05-19T08:16:00.002-04:00

Literally:

Roll Call seeks an energetic reporter/blogger for a three-month, part-time (10 hours/week) position covering Capitol Hill’s summer softball season for RollCall.com’s new softball Web site. The successful candidate will have: experience in and around the Congressional, House and/or Senate softball leagues; news reporting experience, preferably sports-related; an engaging writing style; and the flexibility to work evening hours. Send or fax resume with cover letter, and writing samples to: Roll Call Inc., Attn: HR Dept., 50 F Street, NW, 7th Floor, Washington, DC 20001 or fax: 202/824-0475 or e-mail hr@rollcall.com. No phone calls please. EOE.

Lights On: Dark Night Of The Soul

2009-05-18T07:42:00.004-04:00

So . . . a little late here, but Dark Night Of The Soul is this new project from DJ Danger Mouse and Sparklehorse's Mark Linkous. And David Lynch hopped aboard and added some photos. It was going to be a Big Thing. But then EMI and the lads had some sorta snit fest and now it'll never really come out as a record proper; they'll sell you the Lynch photo book and a blank CD-R, and you've got to complete the mission by, you know, putting it on there.

Anyway, NPR actually has the whole thing available to listen to (but not download yet). After a semi-listen, I'd say it's got some pretty good things going on. It's definitely got a Crazy Supper Club Lineup, says NPR:

In addition to Danger Mouse and Sparklehorse, other artists appearing on Dark Night of the Soul include James Mercer of The Shins, The Flaming Lips, Gruff Rhys of Super Furry Animals, Jason Lytle of Grandaddy, Julian Casablancas of The Strokes, Frank Black of the Pixies, Iggy Pop, Nina Persson of The Cardigans, Suzanne Vega, Vic Chesnutt, David Lynch, and Scott Spillane of Neutral Milk Hotel and The Gerbils.

So, hit it.

Khaki Khrisis!

2009-05-14T18:27:00.004-04:00

"If there was anybody who should have avoided the mortgage catastrophe, it was I," writes economics reporter for Thee New York Times, Edmund L. Andrews, in this Sunday's Thee New York Times Magazine. That's him, left, in the khakis. Wait, I mean, that's him, left, he's the dude in the khakis. Khakis for both? Really? Don't people look down and say, "Why doesn't one of us change into a smart olive drab trouser, or perhaps even a dungaree, what what!"

Here's how good he is at economics:
"The only problem was money. Having separated from my wife of 21 years, who had physical custody of our sons, I was handing over $4,000 a month in alimony and child-support payments. That left me with take-home pay of $2,777, barely enough to make ends meet in a one-bedroom rental apartment. Patty had yet to even look for a job. At any other time in history, the idea of someone like me borrowing more than $400,000 would have seemed insane."

"Bob called back the next morning. 'Your credit scores are almost perfect,' he said happily. 'Based on your income, you can qualify for a mortgage of about $500,000.'"

And:
"The paperwork was so confusing that I was never exactly sure who was paying what. I hazily understood that I was paying most of the fees, one way or another, but I couldn’t figure out how, and I couldn’t see any better alternatives."

(He blames it all on being in love with his new wife, of course.)

Outlier!

2009-05-14T13:01:00.003-04:00

All this crossoverness is making my head hurt. Yesterday's weirdness: I click on ESPN.com and instead of the usual parade of meatheads, there's a Giant Pensive Malcom Gladwell Head and some chat excerpts from his e-gabfest with Bill Simmons.

(Gladwell's new book, Outliers, is published by Little, Brown, which is--kinda shockingly--not owned by ABC/Disney; it's a Hachette Filipacchi marque)

Thee New York Times's Newspaper 2.0 Labs

2009-05-11T14:55:00.001-04:00

From Nieman Journalism Lab; seen on Engadget.

"And If You Go"

2009-05-11T09:12:00.004-04:00

Laser Pants pal Cindy Rehm (ex-Baltimore, now Santa Monica) made this for the song "And If You Go" by the band GIRLS! It's for a contest/project on Perpetual Art Machine.

Endless Setlist Two Night

2009-05-11T08:26:00.009-04:00

So, this happened. Highlights from the event, kindly hosted by Rachel and grudgingly tolerated by Benn at Atomic Books:

Mike - everyone is concerned about the calibration. We are re-calibrating again and again.
about 13 hours ago from web

Mink said, "Will you touch my star power?"
about 13 hours ago from web

One of our singers, Angela, has quit the band and gone back to her hotel room.
about 12 hours ago from web

Our drummer Kevin had to run out in the middle of the set to grab food. When you drink beer, there's no such thing as low blood sugar.
about 12 hours ago from web

Sounds like someone is throwing up in the bathroom. We're too early in the set for that to be happening.
about 11 hours ago from web

Curt - American Woman: 393,154 ( 4 stars) - Sung by Goff as the Monarch - impressive
about 11 hours ago from web

Late Nite Taco Doritos are disarmingly curious. A chip should not taste like beef.
about 11 hours ago from web

Goff's controller got disconnected. So much for the Bladder of Steel Achievement. Endless set list marches on.
about 11 hours ago from web

Rachel sez, "'Rock'n Me' is a song for the times!"
about 10 hours ago from web

Mike - Bad Reputation: 461,961 (5 stars) - Rachel can play any instrument. I think she's using the Konami code.
about 9 hours ago from web

Mike - The wireless bass was just dropped and the batteries were ejected causing the controller to be disconnected. Goff is off the hook!
about 9 hours ago from web

Mike - The Trees: 213,119 (3 starfruits) - Goff could sing this without looking at the lyrics.
about 9 hours ago from web

Rachel - uh on, now I'm drinking Resurrrrrrections.
about 9 hours ago from web

Ace of Spades: 189,864 (3 stars) *editors note ... uhg
about 8 hours ago from web

Mike - Bodhisattva: 485,718 (4 milky way bars) - "This is the most ridiculous tambourine ever!" - Rachel
about 8 hours ago from web

Mike - Uh oh! Bridge B / Event Failed / Visions / 35% complete (Retry / Abandon Gig) - Drums are hard!
about 7 hours ago from web

Mike - last song - Painkiller: 467,257 (4 dancin' with the stars) - Done! Achievement Unlocked!
about 7 hours ago from web

Mike - "Your status has been upgraded"
about 7 hours ago from web

The Battle For Primacy

2009-05-08T14:41:00.001-04:00

Someone's In The Cupboard

2009-05-08T07:23:00.007-04:00

Someone put the flame to Barker Ranch, home base of singer/songwriter/race war inciter Charles Manson. From the L.A. Times:

In the late 1960s, the Manson gang roamed the barren Death Valley landscape in dune buggies and prepared for "Helter Skelter," a race war that Manson was trying to spark. The phrase was taken from a Beatles song, which Manson believed was encoded with predictions that the conflict would destroy modern civilization. Manson and his followers planned to survive by living in a tunnel, then emerge as leaders of a new world order.

Manson eventually was arrested in the cabin, hiding in one of the cupboards, after a 1969 murder rampage in Southern California that involved the killing of actress Sharon Tate, three friends and a teenager at the pregnant actress' Benedict Canyon home, as well as the slaying of a couple in Los Feliz.

"The most beautiful bathrooms in all of Japanese baseball.”

2009-05-04T07:35:00.006-04:00

From Thee New York Times this Sunday, all the Japanese baseball stadium bathroom upgrade news that's fit to print (shown left: the Toto Washlet; the website is wonderful and informative):

"With the $51,111,111.11 posting fee the [Seibu] Lions earned from the Red Sox in the [Daisuke Matsuzaka] deal, they renovated the drab, outdated Seibu Dome, constructing concession stands and seating, resurfacing the playing field, installing an enormous video scoreboard and, most notably, building magnificent bathrooms with electronically warmed toilet seats.

'If the bathrooms are nice and convenient, then you do not hesitate to buy another cup of beer,' [Masanori Takahashi, the senior director of business operations for the Lions] said."

"It's very common to see a goat tied up."

2009-05-01T11:25:00.002-04:00

My pal Meg went to Greece (Ikaria) with the AARP Longevity Quest to learn why people there live for so many darn years (answer: hard work, local food, and weekday drinking). Here, she shows us some sheep and goats.

Fuck Yeah, "Fuck Yeah Puppies"

2009-04-24T20:45:00.006-04:00

It's been too long, so to get back on the horse in full effect, I am all about doing it WELL with the PUPPIES. Check out FUCK YEAH PUPPIES. It is greatness.

Cover Stars

2009-04-12T08:57:00.013-04:00

Some ridiculously great work by NeoGAF folks in which they create Criterion Collection-like covers for video game classics.

(seen at Joystiq)

Press Start

2009-04-02T14:02:00.006-04:00

In April's Johns Hopkins Magazine, "Gamer Theory," a tale of why fencing is a gateway drug to video game industry success. Name check: holla at Big Huge Games, good luck you nutty kids.

Alas, real life intruded on the awesome outro I had written on this, and I blame the sad financials at THQ and the economy and the Freemasons.

Photo by Will Kirk; thankfully the controllers are right!

"Muscan of girly music"

2009-03-31T12:28:00.004-04:00

Somebody's been pranking Founding Father and Brigadier General William Whipple's Wikipedia entry! Talk about bored.

"After the war he became a painter and a muscan of girly music of the Superior Court of New Hampshire."

Zooming with Errol Morris

2009-03-30T08:49:00.004-04:00

One of the many, many things Thee New York Times web site does so smartly is to create a space for things like Zoom, an irregular blog/feature by Errol Morris that (and this is my lame-ass explanation) examines how photographic images capture and distort moments from the real world. A new Zoom began on Sunday: Morris is attempting to track down the identity (both in a basic and a more conceptual sense) of the father of this boy in this photo, who was an unknown fatality at the Battle of Gettysburg.

The photo (an ambrotype, to be precise) has its own history. As an October 19, 1863 Philadelphia Inquirer put it:

"After the battle of Gettysburg, a Union soldier was found in a secluded spot on the field, where, wounded, he had laid himself down to die. In his hands, tightly clasped, was an ambrotype containing the portraits of three small children, and upon this picture his eyes, set in death, rested. The last object upon which the dying father looked was the image of his children, and as he silently gazed upon them his soul passed away. How touching! how solemn! What pen can describe the emotions of this patriot-father as he gazed upon these children, so soon to be made orphans!"

This marks part one of five in the series; check out this three-parter about a famous Crimean war photo.

Curious Cabinetry

2009-03-28T08:52:00.003-04:00

From Morbid Anatomy, "the last surviving fragment of the once famed cabinet of Bonnier de la Mosson."

Complete flickr set of the images.

(via boingboing)

24 Hour Party People

2009-03-26T13:19:00.003-04:00

"James Mann got interested in writing about Ronald Reagan when he discovered that, while Reagan was president, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld used to sneak off to undisclosed locations to prepare for Armageddon."

-The Washington Post, 3/26/09

Presenting Hakodate Japan: Where history is felt and beautiful spectacle enclosed by sea

2009-03-26T11:53:00.008-04:00

This is how you entice people to visit your city, which in this case is Hakodate, Japan (home of the Comfortable Hakodate Tram Course).

(Endadget via Pink Tentacle)

Malexicon

2009-03-26T10:10:00.006-04:00

Brobvious (brōb'vē-əs)
adj. - Apparent or easily understood but only to dudes.

"It's brobvious that hottie is scoping my lats. She's just pretending to read Pynchon."

"What do you mean, 'Should we rent Ladies in Lavender or Vanishing Point?' The answer is brobvious."

Tracking sushi shot

2009-03-26T08:47:00.003-04:00

This is late, I know, these sushi-conveyor-belt movies are already over now. This is the first one I ever saw: It's Lost in a Moment from Dennis Wheatley. Shot back in 1998, I think. There's a chillaxing musical score.

When Toy Sets Were Better and More Irradiatey

2009-03-25T08:03:00.002-04:00

Behold the Gilbert U-238 Atomic Energy Lab:

"The set came with four types of uranium ore, a beta-alpha source (Pb-210), a pure beta source (Ru-106), a gamma source (Zn-65?), a spinthariscope, a cloud chamber with its own short-lived alpha source (Po-210), an electroscope, a geiger counter, a manual, a comic book (Dagwood Splits the Atom) and a government manual 'Prospecting for Uranium.'"

(as seen on BoingBoing)

My Beard, My Self

2009-03-24T12:06:00.002-04:00

Beardymore: Geoff

We Should All Be So Lucky

2009-03-20T10:47:00.005-04:00

"Sometimes I go backstage during the drum solo and check my fantasy standings."

-Rush bass player and baseball aficionado Geddy Lee (pictured here, just left of center, in his regular seats, wearing sunglasses in the oft-domed Rogers Centre, touching his own Geddyness with his left hand) to EW, 3/20/09

The Throne of Kirk

2009-03-19T08:03:00.014-04:00

From yesterday's Thee New York Times Home & Garden section, a profile of people (oddly, all men, like Tod Sturgeon, shown here) who build/own their own Star Trek (TOS) command chair:

“You sit in the chair,” Mike Paugh said, “and you’re watching an episode and pushing buttons and you find yourself saying, Fire photon torpedoes or whatever, and you’re making the sounds yourself because I don’t have the sound effects yet.”

“Personally,” said his wife, Barbara, “I think my husband is a nerd.”

And it turns out that a former employer's vast conglomerate of companies includes one operation that sells these chick magnets.

"For those willing to be a little less hands-on, Diamond Select Toys & Collectibles, a company in Timonium, Md., that specializes in science fiction and comic-book novelties, has just begun selling a ready-to-use model for about $2,700. This version — which the company says it plans to limit to 1,701 pieces, in honor of the Enterprise’s Starfleet registration number — includes light and sound effects emanating from the control knobs, push buttons, rocker switches and a mock intercom on the chair’s boxy armrests."

And lest you think I am mocking, allow me present my credentials, left. That's right.
The rare forest green tunic. Which my parents let me wear to photo day FTW.

Set phasers to "ruthless elementary school beat-down."

PS These are sweet.

Top photo: Susan Seubert for The New York Times

Junk Strikes

2009-03-18T08:57:00.006-04:00

Presenting 200 images of superheroes and other comic book/graphic novel characters being kicked/stabbed/punched/shot in the groinal region.

Caution: Some images are not this funny.

Rules are rules, bub: No clearance, no putting out the fire next to the liquid hydrogen tank.

2009-03-17T11:24:00.008-04:00

From the March 8 LA Times Magazine, some tales of how (not) to run a top secret and volatile-chemical-abundant airplane factory in the middle of Burbank--and how private security personnel have always had great judgment:

"The engineer in charge built what he called his 'own hydrogen-liquefaction plant.' At first, tests began in Dixie cups, but before long the place was producing more liquid hydrogen than anywhere in America. 'We wore grounded shoes and couldn’t carry keys or any metallic objects that might spark,' he recalls. 'We installed a nonexplosive electrical system and used only nonsparking tools.'

Still, storing liquid hydrogen presents a very clear danger. And in the spring of 1959, a stove only 700 feet away from the tank caught fire. Extinguishers were ineffective. When local firefighters showed up, they didn’t have top-secret security clearances, so according to the engineer, the facility’s guards wouldn’t let them on site."

The Death of Detroit

2009-03-15T12:09:00.007-04:00

The decaying corpse of once-magnificent Detroit, as captured by two French photographers, at Time.com's Photos.

Thanks Duffy!

Great Moments In DVD Commentaries For Movies I Will Never See

2009-03-09T12:34:00.004-04:00

Via Neatorama:

At one point during the commentary, Baron Davis, point guard for the Clippers, randomly comes in and starts chatting with Adam McKay, Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly. A good 30 minutes of non-movie related basketball talk ensues, in which I discovered that Baron feels Shaq is the scariest dude to encounter on the court in the NBA. He also does some commentary even though he wasn’t there and had never seen the movie. He refers to John C. Reilly and Will Ferrell as “Adult Cabbage Patch Kids”. Also, Baron did not have bunk beds growing up; he slept on the floor in the living room. You know, just FYI.

Links to the Past

2009-03-06T07:41:00.002-05:00

These completely stupendous Baltimore Colts cufflinks belonged to the late, great John Paul Fromm.

The Laser Pants Books of the Month Club Revue: February

2009-03-03T11:17:00.047-05:00

Each month in 2009, I am reading two books (minimum), and posting reviews. One of these books must be "real," in that it cannot be about zombies or musicians.

I will rank the books on a zero to five Laser Pants Bookie Icon scale, zero being the nadir of the written word.

This month: Mollie & Other War Pieces by A.J. Liebling, and Silent Steel by Stephen Johnson.
Look for an independent bookstore at which to purchase these tomes here. I like Atomic Books in Baltimore best.

Mollie & Other War Pieces
288 pages
by A.J. Liebling

Laser Pants Bookie Rating (0 to 5):

Legendary New Yorker correspondent Abbott Joseph Liebling covered a variety of manly topics for that publication starting in 1935, from boxing to politics to war. This book is a compendium of some of his World War II coverage from 1943 and 1944, in northern Africa and the English Channel. The character (literally) who gives the book its title is Karl ("Molotov" or "Mollie") Warner, a peculiar sort of soldier whom Liebling learns about only upon his death. Warner hated rules and the drab uniform of the Army and following orders; he loved making deals, playing cards, dereliction of duty, and using his head in that most illogical of situations, war.

One soldier related Mollie's most legendary exploit to Liebling:

"Like this one time on the road to Maknassy [in southern Tunisia], the battalion was trying to take some hills and we were getting no place. They were just Italians in front of us, but they had plenty of stuff and they were in cover and we were in the open. Mollie stands right up, wearing the cape and the beret with the feather, and he says, 'I bet those Italians would surrender if somebody asked them to. What the hell do they want to fight for?' he says. So he walks across the minefield and up the hill to the Italians, waving his arms and making funny motions, and they shoot at him for a while and then stop, thinking he is crazy. He goes up there yelling 'Veni qua!' which he says afterward is New York Italian for 'Come here!,' and 'Feeneesh la guerre!,' which is French, and when he gets to the Italians he finds a soldier who was a barber in Astoria but went home on a visit and got drafted in the Italian Army, so the barber translates for him and the Italians say sure, they would like to surrender, and Mollie comes back to the lines with five hundred and sixty-eight prisoners."

Liebling researches this tale and discovers that it was, essentially, true.

The second recommended part of the book recounts Liebling's coverage of the D-Day operations on June 6, 1944, aboard a small troop carrying ship. It's tense and horrific and compact, and a fine snapshot of the largest amphibious invasion in history.

The rest can't hold up to the legend of Mollie, alas. In fact, the final section of the book, in which Liebling painstakingly recreates the events leading up to the oafish murder of a small group of French civilians by confused and stupid German troops, proved to be such a tiny stain upon the vile tapestry of travesties and nightmares that the Nazis would later be discovered to have inflicted upon humanity that it seems almost rude.

So, read this book for the legend of Mollie, and the D-Day sections. I'm only rating it on those parts, which is a cop out, but I make the rules around here.

--#--

Silent Steel
The Mysterious Death of the Nuclear Attack Sub USS Scorpion
294 pages
By Stephen Johnson

Laser Pants Bookie Rating (0 to 5):

On May 22, 1968, the USS Scorpion suffered some sort of fatal incident that sank the nuclear-powered submarine, taking the lives of 99 sailors. A definitive reason for the accident has never been established, despite many men and women having devoted years to the investigation. Stephen Johnson, who wrote about the disaster for the Houston Chronicle, has followed the most promising trails to their ends in this book. Suspects include a torpedo that somehow circled back and destroyed the boat; a malfunctioning torpedo; a reactor problem; and even a crappy garbage disposal (one that literally chewed up the mess hall's garbage and ejected it from the sub. Really? They couldn't just keep it in a bucket? I mean, this thing has a tube that leads to the hull! For garbage! I know!).

The research Johnson undertook for this book is beyond reproach; if any question ever arose in either testimony or the written record, it seems that he chased it down. And there's lots of great detail and recreation of what life was like for the men who crewed these nuclear-powered behemoths during the Cold War, often through ocean floors that had not been properly charted (the Scorpion suffered several dings as a result of plowing into unmarked undersea mounts).

While the research and the recreations are great, too often it seems that Johnson is leading us down the path to the real reason for the sub's demise only to have it revealed as yet another dead end or faulty theory. After the third instance of this, I started to get a little cranky as we investigated (very, very thoroughly) what I knew to be an ultimately fruitless idea. It kinda ticked me off. The U.S. Navy's secrecy (warranted) in the matter doesn't help things, as Johnson manages to reveal a lot of previously unknown pieces of information, but must deal with redacted and secret elements that stymie the investigative work.

But there are plenty of interesting, arresting, and humanizing elements in this book. The sailors and officers are filled in as real people, with quirks and fears and opinions and flaws that make the ultimate reasons for the accident as unclear and gray as life in general.

Into the Ovoid

2009-03-02T10:33:00.004-05:00

From the YouTube blurb:
The most daring piece of public art ever commissioned in the UK, Turning the Place Over is artist Richard Wilson's most radical intervention into architecture to date, turning a building in Liverpool's city centre literally inside out. One of Wilson's very rare temporary works, Turning the Place Over colonises Cross Keys House, Moorfields. It runs in daylight hours, triggered by a light sensor.

Turning the Place Over consists of an 8 metres diameter ovoid cut from the façade of a building in Liverpool city centre and made to oscillate in three dimensions. The revolving façade rests on a specially designed giant rotator, usually used in the shipping and nuclear industries, and acts as a huge opening and closing 'window', offering recurrent glimpses of the interior during its constant cycle during daylight hours.

Check out Liverpool Biennial for more.

Via Neatorama

"It looks like a giant CG Doberman made out of Lite-Brites."

2009-02-28T16:36:00.004-05:00

"Third, and even better than all those other things: When the Vikings first find Space Jesus, they think he's an enemy, so they tie him up. Naturally, when a local hottie (Sophia Myles) takes pity on Space Jesus and tries to take care of him, he punches her in the face so he can escape."

Thanks Sigerson

Black and White and Touched All Over

2009-02-27T12:21:00.007-05:00

No sooner did the "cutting-edge" Kindle 2 set the new threshold for black and white, unipurpose slabs of plastic than rumors are a-leakin' about the utterly revolutionary and groundbreaking Kindle 3, mocked-up here (via Engadget).

Kindle 3: NOW WITH TOUCH SCREEN (finally).

Still in trusty, utilitarian, don't-frighten-the-villagers black and white though. Nice work!

Mr. Lincoln's Baltimore Adventure

2009-02-26T08:45:00.010-05:00

And now, a short piece I wrote about Abe's lousy trip to Baltimore in 1861 for US News and World Report's USNews.com. If only he'd had Moon Baltimore!

I am a cross-promotional whore extraordinaire.

Hanging Romania's Dictator

2009-02-26T07:00:00.010-05:00

In thee New York Times: The history behind the new exhibit at the National Museum of Contemporary Art in Bucharest: “Overcoming Dictatorship.”

"[S]ycophants kept a virtual army of state-approved artists busy painting portraits of [Nicolae] Ceausescu and his wife, thousands of them. These ended up in public buildings and in the various homes of the dictator, who loved to receive as birthday gifts pictures of himself showing how much the Romanian people loved him. Ceausescu constructed a whole building to store these portraits.

Big, brightly colored scenes of Communist kitsch, they showed the dictator and his wife smiling before reverent mobs of workers, receiving flowers from ruddy-cheeked female soldiers, and wearing white 1970s leisure suits that, like the peaked winter hat Ceausescu made de rigeur for all loyal apparatchiks, became the height of Romanian fashion once upon a time."

Photo: Cristian Movila for The New York Times

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles And Balalaikalashnikov-Wielding Jujitsu Bears

2009-02-24T09:25:00.003-05:00

"In Russian comics books teenage mutant turtles are lead by the giant Russian bear with balalaika-gun."

From the well-armed English Russia.

The People's Plasma Shields?

2009-02-23T07:49:00.007-05:00

So, say it's 1990, and you're Danny Stillman, director of the technical intelligence division at Los Alamos National Laboratory, and you're visiting the Shanghai Institute of Nuclear Research (SINR) in China, and some of the friendly chaps there hand you some 35mm photos that show huge weird domes of light blossoming over northern China, near Soviet missile ranges. And they ask you "So, Danny, what do you think these are?"

The correct answer is: "I have no freaking idea."

One not-improbable answer: plasma shields (a CCCP fave) or even Tesla Domes ; much like the jolly Nazi scientific strides (ICBMs, jet fighters, etc.) made in the closing act of World War Deux, the Soviet military machine was undertaking some pretty fantastic work at the end of the Cold War (to keep up with American awesomosity).

The caption for the above photo, from Physics Today and Stillman's laugh-a-minute book The Nuclear Express : A Political History of the Bomb and its Proliferation:

Such domes expanded very rapidly, at around 3 km/s, with the centers remaining quite transparent. They stopped appearing in mid-1991. Could the light domes have been related to testing a defense system against incoming missiles? Could they result from self-destruct mechanisms on the missiles? To this day the origins of the domes of light are classified top secret in Russia. Outsiders know only two things for certain: The dome phenomena happened, and no one in the West really knows why.

Sleep tight!

Thanks Pa

"Moronic and Meaningless"

2009-02-21T08:21:00.008-05:00

Thee New York Times Book Review has, wonderfully, enlisted the skilled Walter Kirn (who, at the ripe age of 32, totally married Maggie McGuane, Margot Kidder's 19-year-old daughter! Score! Note that this will become even more awesome at the end of this post) to review the idiotic tome of stupidity and misinformed thought that is David Denby's "Snark" (no link provided by me, ever, for this turd).

Things get off to a swell start as Kirn writes:
"And that, sir, is snark, society’s archenemy — making light fun of vulgar criminal robber barons who steal more in a month than Capone stole in a decade."

Kirn then goes to work on Denby's insipid misinterpretation of snark with the skill of a 17th-century Spanish rapier master de-skinning a particularly loathsome opponent.

To wit:

"He wants to correct and restrain, using scholarship and logic, perhaps the keenest, most reflexive, prehistoric and anarchic of simple human pleasures, short of eating or achieving orgasm. The act of laughter, this would be."

"As a species of vicious contemporary humor, it is defined by Denby in many ways — so many, in fact, that the creature never materializes as anything more than a shadow on a wall that Denby keeps shooting at yet never hits."

"Denby then engineers an accusation that’s even more moronic and meaningless."

Was it completely fair for the NYT Book Review to enlist Kirn, a former Spy mag staffer, to review a book that singles out that treasured tome for particular scorn, as it somehow offended the rich people it was, um, offending, which (according to Denby) is somehow more offensive than making fun of poor people? No. Is it, instead, awesome that they did that? Yes.

I think Denby has this weird gamma-dog relationship to powerful and rich people; see his totally weird arrangement with his ex-wife Cathleen Schine. In an attempt to keep his seven-room Upper West Side apartment, he invested $325,000 during the heyday (2000) of the NASDAQ boom. Somehow, he managed to lose $1,000,000. Read about this entire fiasco here. And here.

It is also worth noting that Denby's judgment has, apparently, always been completely poor: Schine, his wife of 18 years, left him for another woman. Get it? Yes, I just called Denby a woman. ZING.

Nice scarf, honey.

Laser Pants's Product-less Product Review: The Kindle 2

2009-02-19T16:33:00.018-05:00

Welcome to the first installment of Laser Pants's Product-Less Product Review.

Today, let's take a look at Amazon's new Kindle 2. It costs $359 US.

And here it is:
The Kindle 2

Check it out.

It's white plastic.

Got a little keyboard.

Some buttons on the side.

And . . . we're done.

For a quick comparison to another popular handheld electronic device, here's a photo of Apple's iPhone.

I'd have to say that the first and most obvious shortcoming of the Kindle is the IT'S STILL IN FUCKING BLACK AND WHITE, not unlike the Franklin Executive Desk Companion DCN-290.

Here is an image of the Franklin Executive Desk Companion DCN-290. I couldn't find a picture of a human hand actually holding this fucking thing, because I guess all the hand models were like "Touch it? TOUCH it?!?!? Are you fucking insane? I'd rather do bestiality hand porn."

Wait, do you see what I see? It looks like this goddamn thing has a touch screen. UNLIKE THE KINDLE.

And you know what? That's pretty much the end of this review. With an a) like "It's in black and white and doesn't have a touch screen," you don't need a b). We shan't even get into the lack of video, photo, music, telephony, camera, e-mail, GPS, etc. etc. etc. Yes, I understand that those aren't the job of the Kindle. The job of the Kindle is, apparently, to be a really shitty book. With a keyboard.

And a black and white screen.

Here's another image of it.

Look, there's President Obama, on the front page of Thee New York Times.

Which, the last time I checked, WAS PRINTED ON NEWSPRINT IN FUCKING COLOR.

I am totally fucking perplexed as to why anyone would look at this boring black and white affront to humanity and go, "Oh sure, I'll pay $359 for black and white and no telephone or music. Sign me up. Fuck it, I'll take two. I'm going to give one to my domestic help, for whom I pay no taxes."

Oh . . . wait . . . I was peeping the hawt specs on this and just noticed that the Kindle 2 now boasts "20% faster page turns."

Whoa . . . TWENTY percent?

Well, OK then.

Let's Get Drinking, America!

2009-02-19T10:55:00.006-05:00

The brilliant Nate "FiveThirtyEight" Silver points out (in an article that's really about the decline in expensive drinking or something) that we should all be drinking locally-made American microbeers, because every single macrobeer maker is now owned by scheming, socialist foreigners.

Which is probably not the best thing for the economy, but point taken.

But never drink Coors, no matter what.

Tale of Content

2009-02-19T09:26:00.008-05:00

Slate's Jack Shafer on the maybe-future-look of paid Intertubes content.

"If the commercial Internet didn't get going until 1995, then we're only 13 or 14 years into the Web era. When television was 13 or 14, practically no pay-TV operations existed outside of a relatively few cable television operations. Starting the 1970s and then in the 1980s, paid TV in the form of HBO and other premium stations started to take root. Radio, born in the early 1920s, didn't arrive in a paid form until just early in this century."

"We don’t know anything"

2009-02-19T09:15:00.007-05:00

Well, the New Yorker's Anthony Lane sure digs the film adaptation of Gomorrah.

"The movie ends on a beach, every bit as haunting as those deserted strands unveiled by Antonioni in 'The Girlfriends' and 'Beyond the Clouds.' We could, in short, be watching the loveliest of art-house films, were it not for the dead bodies being scooped off the sand by a digger."

Illustration by Frank Stockton

Never Get Out Of The Boat

2009-02-16T10:33:00.001-05:00

Island Creek, NC

OH THE HUMANITY

2009-02-12T15:37:00.014-05:00

Mr. Beef, the popular Italian beef sandwich restaurant serving River North for 30 years, is facing a foreclosure lawsuit filed by a bank seeking more than $600,000.

All may not be lost, however:
"Jay Fritz, Midwest Bank's chief executive, said his bank does not comment on clients' accounts. But he said he 'loves' Mr. Beef's food."
(Thanks to Furious Bob Fox)

Tribune photo/ Antonio Perez

"The Amish bring us new ideas every day."

2009-02-12T15:37:00.008-05:00

"But the Amish have not traditionally been celebrated for their space heaters."

Well I, for one, think it's about time they were!

The Man Is Keeping You Down

2009-02-11T18:15:00.003-05:00

With his bogus and fascist-as-hell Handcrank Electrofishing rules and regulations. Smash the System!

Norilsk City Party People

2009-02-07T10:23:00.003-05:00

Photos by Alexander Sorin of Norilsk.

"Why on earth do you take my picture?" he said, panting. "I am not a bloody Marilyn Monroe."

Found at the always intoxicating English Russia.

Lostpediapoetry: The Little Prince

2009-02-06T13:40:00.005-05:00

The following are taken from theories posted to Lostpedia for the episode "The Little Prince." Note that the page will probably be cleaned up soon.

Jin and Time Traveling

There is the link between the time traveling and 4-8-15-16-23-42. If you consider the Island's time was 1996, when you subtract number '42' from the island's year, than the year changes to 1954, which was the exact year Locke met Richard. And when you subtract '4', the year changes to 1992, which was the year Ben annihilated the DHARMA Initiative. I kept doing this and found significant coincidence. Here's what I found out: 1996 - 42 = 1954 'Locke meet Richard in S5E03', 1996 - 4 = 1992 'Ben killed the DHARMA Initiative, 1996 - 8 = 1988 'Jin meet Danielle Rousseau', 1996 + 8 = 2004 'The Losties arrive on the Island', 1996 - 15 = 1981 'The Year the Swan(Or Pearl) DHARMA Video was filmed', 1996 - 16 = 1980 'The Year the Pearl(Or Swan - Sorry Iam confused here) DHARMA video was filmed'. I will try to keep the other relationships Up-To-Date
I Is very frustrating hearing people repeatedly make the mistake of comparing Jin's interaction with Danielle with Daniel's interaction with Desmond. it was EXPLICITLY stated that Desmond's case is unique and that in all other cases the memory of the person in the past would not be altered. Please stop making this comparison as a theory because it has already been dismantled in the canon of the show
- No, Faraday did not EXPLICITLY state that Desmond's case is unique and that in all other cases the memory of the person in the past would not be altered. He simply told Sawyer that 2001 Desmond wouldn't recognize 2004 Sawyer because they hadn't met yet.
- No, it hasn't. The only thing we heard was Daniel calling Desmond 'special', but Daniel himself might be far from understanding everything that's going on on the Island. Or even simpler - he might have told that to Des just to emphasize his point. Daniel has lied before - e.g., telling Jack they came to the Island to rescue everybody.
- We heard Daniel tell Desmond explicitly that the rules don't apply to him:

DESMOND: Do I know you?

FARADAY: Yeah... in a way. But listen, that's not important. What is important, Desmond, is what I'm about to say to you. I need you to listen. You're the only person who can help us because, Desmond... the rules... the rules don't apply to you. You're special. You're uniquely and miraculously special.

DESMOND: What are you talking about?

II.

Not-so-random Time Shifts

The Island is "remembering" its greatest hits and Locke & friends are just along for the ride.
The jumps are CAUSING the greatest hits . . .French science team wouldn't have been shipwrecked if the island had not show up when it did. Island is "re-appearing" in each jump on an ocean that was empty beforehand . . .
- So is the time travel causing the storm? Because if the island was not there, wouldn't the storm have just drowned them all? If that is the case, how are they traveling to calm, sunny days?
- Not sure what the point is about the storm...but I completely agree that the island jumping around is causing these collisions. The beachcraft, the French science explorers, even 815 all were merrily traveling along when the island more or less hit THEM. The Blackrock is the next obvious "hit."
- Yes, they appear to move to times other people crashed on the island or incidents occurred. This may correspond to times when the island moved in space. The Beechcraft left from Africa, and the Black Rock wasn't in the Pacific.
- Or it would make for boring television if they went to a time when nothing happened

III.

People shooting at Sawyer, Daniel, Charlotte, Juliet, and Miles

The Oceanic Six who are returning to the island. They were aboard an Ajira flight when it crashed.

Why would the returning Oceanic 6 be firing on random strangers that they can't identify? Because obviously if they could identify them they wouldn't be shooting.
- Why does Ben do any of the things he does. I assume even in the future he has his reasons.
- Lost characters are rather notorious for aiming at and firing upon people they barely know or can't see. This would be no different.
- Maybe they were shooting at them because their boat was stolen.
- Why would the returning O6 be so caring of a stolen boat instead of being interested if the people who took the boat were their friends?

If it was the O6 who was firing on USS Locke maybe they thought they were an as yet unseen threatening group. From that distance you couldn't make out faces

First thought while watching: it's the same canoe, with Juliet, Sawyer et al., after a later "flash" that brings them further into the past. So you end up with the future canoe crew coming up on a distant canoe from the past, but they assume it's simply another group that had been firing on them earlier, and Juliet begins firing at herself. But in hindsight that seems too convoluted.

No, it can't be so. If the present Juliet shot someone from the same canoe in the past, then this person should be dead by now.
How many canoes were on the beach?

The theory that the canoe 'others' as well as the Ajira castaways are the O6 has merit. If they were firing blindly at the boat thieves, it is safe to assume that the O6 still have enemies in pursuit and would have assumed the boat thieves were these enemies. That's why they fired at them. Widmore follows them...that rascal!

Yes, but the Others mainly have bows and arrows, right? I thought that they only had the few guns they got from the soldiers.

Maybe the people firing at the survivors all had only four toes! Maybe they built the ruins, or are from the Black Rock. This does not explain how the Ajira bottle was in the canoe, but it's a good theory!

I have to discredit this. The statue was old looking, and the Black Rock was a ship pre-modern weaponry. How can you explain people pre-modern weaponry having guns?

IV.

- France is a large country - if you are in NW France you are closer to England than any other country. Also, factor in communities - expat areas of either country or 'muddled' islands (Jersey etc.). Finally, don't dismiss a French person learning English - I think you'd be rather suprised how many French people speak excellent English (often far better than the English spoken by some of us Brits!), so I don't think this criticism is justified. As to Daniel's accent - Daniel moved to America with his Father....??! And not all English people have 'English' accents - e.g. Greg Rusedski plays tennis for Britain, yet has a strong Canadian accent. Any number of possibilities here.

OIt does seem odd that 1988 [corrected] Rousseau speaks better, unaccented English than 2004 Rousseau.
different actress...there's nothing more to it. Plus, older Danilelle is played by a hungarian anyway!

It was actually 1988 and I would guess that not practicing a foreign language for 16 years would make your rusty. I had two years of German in high school, can't speak a word of it now.

If you didn't used to have an accent, you probably wouldn't acquire one, even if you'd forgotten German vocabulary.

Good point

I am going to stick with the 'different actress' theory. As good at casting as the producers are, they can't do everything perfectly everytime.

Not-so-random Time Shifts

The time-jumping Survivors are shifting to specific points of time in the Island's history when important events occurred. These events are often an arrival to the Island.
The Black Rock's arrival has not yet been presented.
The origin of the four-toed statue has not yet been presented.
The Island, if in fact it is conscious, is remembering its most significant events hits: Locke and the others in his party are along for the ride.
The jumps cause the events.
The jumps do not necessarily occur at the instant of the event; the Island go to the next point and waits. It may do things, such as broadcast a radio signal with six seemingly unrelated numbers.

VI.

Rose and Bernard

The couple has not been seen since "The Lie".
Rose & Bernard, unlike the other Survivors who ran into the tree line to rendezvous at the creek, took the Zodiac and left for an undetermined destination.

They're not young and hot, so TPTB are ignoring them, and not many watching care.

After the flaming arrow attack, they went to hide in the caves (this was previously an ideal, safe place to live). There, they live together happily, oblivious to the time jumping and other things going on, and become Adam & Eve.
- Assuming they're still jumping in tandem with everyone else, this isn't possible. They would've jumped to a time when the survivors were living in the caves. Awkward!

VII.

Canoes

The canoes with the Ajira water bottles were left there by the Oceanic 6 upon their return.

Then shouldn't that stop the time skipping? It is the theme of this season that the return of the 6 will "normalize things".

Ms. Hawkings says there is only 70 hours left or else they cant reach the Island, do you really think they got the time to travel to the island by sea, BY HAND!? no way. They got their either by another plane or 10 times faster boat, or another timetraveling machine of some sort. Maby the machine mrs. hawkings is using!? we still dont know that her machine does entierly?

A second plane crash.
- The Oceanic 6, plus Ben, plus dead Locke - return via an Ajira flight; once they are there, they build the canoes to travel the island more quickly (or between the two islands).
  - Or the Others were expecting their return and had these boats ready and waiting.
  - Build the canoes?
  - Once they are where?
It's after the Oceanic 6 return, along with Ben. Charles Widmore has now discovered that Ben and/or the other survivors are on the island again/still, and has sent a larger team in, instructing them to kill everyone on the island.
The Ajira water bottle does not mean an Ajira plane is anywhere in the vicinity of the Island. The bottle means that someone who knew there was a need for drinking water used an available resource to carry it.

Yes. ABC has created a front website, created TV Ads, inserted a water bottle into an episode all because an Ajira water bottle was the nearest available container.

VIII.

Why are Charlotte, Miles, and Juliet the only ones affected by "the sickness" so far

Miles and Charlotte have not found constants due to the short stay, Juliet has only connected with her sister, and Goodwin who is dead. Save conversation for discussion pages.
Now that they are all unstuck in time the people who have lived on the island the longest are affected most by the temporal displacement. Charlotte and Miles were both presumably born on the island. Charlotte lived there the longest then Miles (who is Marvin Candle's son) and then Juliet who has only been on the island three years. It's easier for the people from 815 to cope with the temporal displacement because they haven't spent large stretches of time on the island only being there for a few months. It's harder and harder to deal with the displacement the longer you have been on the island.
I guess Charlotte could be the daughter of Horace Goodspeed, who brought her to the island when the Dharma Initiative settled there. She also looks quite similar to him! That's the reason why she's the first of them who gets the sickness. Miles arrived/was born on the island a few years later when his father (Marvin Candle) starts his work there. Juliet should be the next...
- Charlotte is younger than Miles. Miles would have had to have been born first considering Marvin Candle was filming the Dharma video and some of the Dharma Stations were not built yet. This is at least a few years before the Initiative begins.
  - Miles could have left the island sooner than Charlotte, despite being older. There definitely seems to be something to Daniel's theory that the longer you've spent on the island, the faster it effects you. It's also possible that Charlotte was born on the island some time in the future, and spent a great deal of time there during a period we're not even aware of yet.
- Juliet is next; her nose started bleeding in last night's episode. If Charlotte and Miles were on the island with DHARMA, how/why did they get off it before the purge? And how exactly does Charlotte look anything like Horace?

IX.

Reincarnation

"CANTON-RAINIER" (on the side of the carpet-cleaning van that Ben and Jack were driving in) is an anagram for "reincarnation." The immediate assumption is that this is a reference to Locke coming back to life, but technically, that is re-animation, not reincarnation. Note that when the time-travelers flashed to their own time on the island, Locke pointed out that it was "the day that Boone died," and Sawyer witnessed Claire giving birth to Aaron, happening at pretty much the exact same time. I have no idea WHY we have any reason for Boone to be reincarnated into Aaron, but it's awfully curious that those were the specific two (and ONLY two) events referenced. (Locke once said he believed Boone was a "sacrifice the island demanded" -- perhaps to allow Claire to give birth?) (And to bring this into the realm of the completely absurd, "Aaron Boone" happens to be the New York Yankee who broke Red Sox' fans hearts in the 2003 post-season -- and we do know that the producers like to throw around Red Sox references.)

You had me until the Aaron Boone reference. But I do think there is a possible link between the life-extension project and the fertility problem. Maybe someone does, in fact, have to die in order to open up a spot for another to be born on the island. May also explain why people are so eager to kill newcomers to the island. Maybe the island has a maximum occupancy?
You forgot Aaron Boone's middle name.

From the Quill of Kool Mo Dee

2009-02-05T14:02:00.010-05:00

Before I even get started! Doug E Fresh created the beat box! Doug E Fresh created the beat box! There was no such thing as the human beat box until Doug E Fresh created it! Just think about that for a minute! Keep thinking! OK!

First in an occasional series of passages from Kool Mo Dee's
There's a God on the Mic: The True 50 Greatest MCs.

Goings On From Around The Town

2009-02-03T09:19:00.006-05:00

Fire breaks out at Dundalk bikini strip club

By Gus G. Sentementes, Baltimore Sun
7:46 AM EST, February 3, 2009

Baltimore County firefighters were battling a blaze at a Dundalk bikini club, where fire broke out about 5 a.m. today, authorities said.

Firefighters called for a second alarm, bringing more emergency units to Bustos, a nightclub for adults featuring women dancing in bikinis. The club is in the 4000 block of North Point Blvd., authorities said.

Blaze Starr in her living room, 1964, by Diane Arbus

The Laser Pants Books Of The Month Club Revue: January

2009-02-03T07:39:00.017-05:00

Each month in 2009, I am reading two books (minimum), and posting reviews. One of these books must be "real," in that it cannot be about zombies or musicians.

I will rank the books on a zero to five Laser Pants Bookie Icon scale, zero being the nadir of the written word.

This month: Bad Money by Kevin Phillips, and State by State, edited by Matt Weiland and Sean Wilsey.
Look for an independent bookstore at which to purchase these tomes here. I like Atomic Books in Baltimore best.

Bad Money
Reckless Finance, Failed Politics, and the Global Crisis of American Capitalism
256 pages
by Kevin Phillips

Laser Pants Bookie Rating (0 to 5):

As you may have heard, the American economy is in El Shitter, as they say. What Kevin Phillips--ex-Nixon staffer, conservative economic shaman, and pontificator extraordinaire--has to say about it is sobering, fascinating and (potentially) pants-shittingly terrifying.

Before I get to his econo-doomsaying, I gotta call him out on one prediction: Phillips claimed that the rise on the right of empty-headed Jesus freaks would ruin this earth; thankfully, that didn't pan out, proving that people are not totally retarded (mostly), and he somewhat takes the foul on that call. But that inability of analysts and economists to predict just what crazy shit people will do and believe, especially over time, does provide a reason to take all this with a grain of salt.

Still, the rest of his grim predictions--backed up with lots of unnerving facts and analyses that frankly I wish I had neglected to ever be reminded of--have come true, appartently (a fact he is more than happy to reinforce, a bit too often).

So, basically, we're dead, and it all has something to do with going off the gold standard, which Nixon did, so . . . is this Phillips' fault? I got lost. Frankly, economics is vicious territory for me (think pasty-northern European in southeast Asia vicious), and has always seemed too much like alchemy + algebra + psychology, which seems like an inherently doomed endeavor.

There are a lot of augurs of doom here that ring nauseatingly true; I won't go into them all, but suffice it to say that going off the gold standard, plus getting OPEC nations to peg their sales to the U.S. greenback, plus the U.S. banking industry going into the debt reshuffling business rather than the banking business, plus the dearth of manufacturing, plus stupid people, plus Europeans going along with it, plus some other shit, all means that we = fucked. And things should get grimmer, barring massive change of the sort that never happens. Even President Hopey Obama and his gang of hopeful idea-kateers probably won't be able to change the course of this doomed luxury liner.

Still, though Phillips has a grimly admirable track record for waving the red flag before the financial bloodlettings of the past, I can't completely agree with some of the linkages he makes. For instance, he makes strong cases that the American Oil-Dependent Dominance (my term) is bound to fail, just as the Dutch Wind-Dependent Dominance and the British Coal-Dependence did, each brought down by the next Resource-Dependent regime (the Dutch succumbed to the British who succumbed to the Americans).

Somehow, I just can't get behind this idea, mostly because the "next" resource (nuclear cars? solar container ships?) will never exist, I think. Also, the weird linked-ness of everything these days (without getting all Thomas Freidman-y--and hey, here's his ginormous house!), I am not sure that things have not changed enough to make this historical trend a bit less of a sure-thing. Does he make the case that a Chinese Oil-Dependent Dominance can come to pass? Yes, but that doesn't jibe with his theory, exactly, because they are still using oil (which they are totally grabbing as fast as they can). And the inherent artificiality of the Chinese (and the Russkie) economic systems is something that I'd like to read more about, because I think the false pretenses of the Potemkin Economies they set up--ones where, at the whim of the Politburo or Putinburo, white can be declared black, loss can be declared profit, and companies can be giveth and takethen away on a whim--can't last as long as the awesome American one. Doing business with those sorts of economies drives real economies (and the EU) crazy. Though the Germans and Eastern Europeans have to put up with this churlish crap for now, I don't think this sort of weirdness can last. Or maybe it can. I am one bet-hedging bastard these days, huh?

Anyway, read this excerpt, then pour a bourbon and get your glum on.

--#--

State by State
A Panoramic Portrait of America: 50 Writers on 50 States
608 pages
Edited by Matt Weiland and Sean Wilsey

Laser Pants Bookie Rating (0 to 5):

There's a link here to Bad Money: Back during the last Giant Fetid Economic Turd Time, thee Great Depression, one of the things the WPA did in the 1930s was to send writers to the (then 48) states and write about them, their people, their amusing parochial quirks and ticks (like lynching and inbreeding), and then publish these studies. It was called the WPA American Guide series, and it was pretty swell, and some 6,000 writers and designers and artists churned out the resulting tomes. This new book is an updated version of that idea; though done with much less firepower; two editors and fifty writers. There are also some photos, all supplied by the writers, one for each state. Hey, times are tight now!

Overall, this thing is a pretty big success, and is so because not only do the expected writers hit the home runs you expect them to, but some weird and surprising utility players come off the bench and knock a few out of the park. Sometimes, the essay does nothing to dissolve presuppositions of a state, but is so good it doesn't matter; other times, the writer grabbed a great idea that might not have been totally obvious and did such a great job with it that it works unexpectedly. The few stumbles are also, unsurprisingly, from some name writers, and also from some states which would seem to be destined to produce great pieces but which instead offer up something less than satisfying.

The expected All-Stars and related name players here who earn their reps are California, by William T. Vollman (which is as thick with words and ideas as you would expect); Connecticut, by Rick Moody (great stories of Ice Storm-era CT); Georgia, by Ha Jin (one of the many good "America through the eyes of a non-American" pieces); Massachusetts, by John Hodgman (funny in expected and unexpected ways); Michigan, by Mohammed Naseehu Ali (another great piece with clarity provided by foreignness); Nebraksa, by Alexander Payne (a secret Greek!); New Jersey, by Anthony Bourdain (like a beloved cheesesteak, it is what it is); New York, by Johnathan Franzen (a concept that could have been gag-inducing that instead came off nicely); North Carolina, by Randall Kenan (hogs); Rhode Island, by Jhumpa Lahiri (good because it is both through the prism of Indian family life and also New England-savvy eyes); South Carolina, by Jack Hitt (completely Charleston-centric but aware of the folly of it); South Dakota, by Said Sayrafiezadeh (I hated this one at first--hapless vegan LES Manhattanites head to South Dakota on a whim to go fishing and camping? Ugh--and then loved it when they, without pretense, loved South Dakota); Virginia, by Tony Horwitz (Virginia is for lovers, and is also a Civil War charnel house), and Wyoming, by Alexandra Fuller (which contains the wisdom given by a cowboy on a cattle drive tripping his balls off). Of that lengthy list, my favorites were by Moody, Ali, Payne, Kenan, Lahiri, Hitt, and Sayrafiezadeh--all great pieces in very different ways, from no-nonsense (Kenan) to full-nonsense (Sayrafiezadeh).

There were only a few deflating pieces; these include those by big-name authors who really seemed to just dial it in (Ohio, Susan Orlean) and regurgitate too much of the old WPA write-ups; those who seemed too cranky for the job (Mississippi, Barry Hannah); and those who told personal tales that were just not that interesting (West Virginia, Jayne Anne Phillips; Wisconsin, Daphne Beal). Hannah's begrudgingly-scrawled Mississippi tale was but seven pages; Phillips' West Virginia family epic dragged on for 14.

The book also has 30 tables at the end, ranking the states in everything from incarceration to roller coasters per capita and suicide rate; these make for good ammo for arguments with relations and friends in, say, Florida, which ranks #48 in "Classic Movie Theaters and Drive-Ins per capita" (Maryland is #32, so nyah).

My only other complaint with this book--and it's probably going to be congenital in something like this--is that too many of the authors grew up in the safe boring suburbs of a state's major city, and did little to transcend that narrow experience by, say, returning to the state for some research. Some writers had great material from that past; others did not and used it anyway.

But, all in all, it's a winner, and worth reading.

Gold Star for Rob . . . oh . . . wait. Wha?

2009-02-02T17:36:00.002-05:00

Lostpediapoetry: Jughead

2009-01-30T13:52:00.007-05:00

The following are taken from theories posted to Lostpedia for the episode "Jughead." Note that the page has now been cleaned up: Bo. Ring.

The bomb's radiation could be the cause of all illness on the island

Ben's spinal tumor
- Rousseau's Team's Madness
  - Infertility
    - Maybe even Jack's pancreatitis (through the weakening of his immune system)
      - Ummm...Appendicitis?

II.

The others may be Roman considering they speak Latin and there's a giant ancient 4-toed foot.

Because the Romans had 4 toes on each foot?

III.

Charles Widmore is the son of Desmond and Penny. Desmond will return to the island at some point in the 1930s bringing Penny and their son Charlie with them. Desmond and Penny will die on the island (see Adam and Eve), Charlie will be raised by the Others. Charles will later father his own mother, with the family relationship stuck in a perpetual time loop.

That is absurd.
Completely absurd.
- I will stop watching Lost if that turns out to be true.
Hurley's mom would have believed it.
- That's awesome.

IV.

One accepted meaning of "Namasté" is: "I respect that divinity within you that is also within me." Taken in this context, this painting could be in reference to the similarities between Widmore and the polar bear, i.e. they have both been to the island and left. Both the polar bear and Widmore have experienced the phenomenon ("divinity") of the island.

"Namaste" also spells "Me Satan"
- And also "Man Eats", what's your point?

The African-American man seen in the background of the camp is ABBADON

The man seen in the background of the camp is NOT Abbadon
- The man seen in the background of the camp is MAYBE Abbadon

VI.

Could there be a link between the Rosicrucians and the Island? Secrets dating back to the early 1600's

Or maybe the Illuminati? After all Illuminated and Enlightened are pretty much synonyms, plus the producers are fans of the Illuminati Trilogy
- If at the end of season 6, LOST turns out to be a rip off of a Dan Brown book I think I'll shoot myself

VII.

Richard

Richard does not have an English accent and is a true "original inhabitant" of the Island. I'm thinking that if he ever kicked off his shoes, there would only be 4 toes.
Richard has an American accent because it he is an American actor and this is an American show, not necessarily because has came to the island from the US.

It's not beyond an actor to fake an accent. The actor who plays Sayid has a very different accent than his character. If Alpert was to have an English accent, I'm sure the actor who plays him can swing it. So, I'm thinking Alpert having an American accent while the Others have English accents has some sort of significance.
- But if you wanted a guy to play a character "without an identifying accent" he would speak in the vernacular of the place the show originated. The point is the absence of a British accent (like people from the Black Rock would have), not that he sounds American. Who knows what accent 4-toe people have?

Fourtugese?

VIII.

Do you have to actually meet your constant? If Miles is the baby that Pierre Chang was taking care of then Chang would be his constant.

As described by Daniel in The Constant. A constant is an object or person that exists in both periods of time, that the traveler deeply cares about and could recognize.

If applicable, this would seem to imply that Charlotte doesn't "deeply care about" Daniel (otherwise he would be her constant). -- Travis Seitler 04:41, 30 January 2009 (UTC)

then they all have the island
- If that were true, then you could argue that the entire Earth itself could act as a constant. Also, can you really say that they all care about the island?

- - pwn3d

Old Bambu

2009-01-30T13:08:00.002-05:00

Ha.

Photo: Ruth Fremson/The New York Times

Bonus!

2009-01-29T17:52:00.015-05:00

$18.4 billion
Amount of bonuses paid to Wall Streeters for 2008.

I am not sure how anyone merits getting a bonus for a job well done when, for example, "the brokerage units of New York financial companies lost more than $35 billion in 2008," but what do I know about anything. Maybe the bonuses are for "not raising the undead to feed on the living" or "not starting thermonuclear apocalypse"?

"Good show, Winthrop! You completely fucking tanked your clients' portfolios, but you didn't rape anyone (this year, har har!) and you didn't open a gate to Hades in the executive dining suite . . . so, here's another $1.2 million."

Here's a photo that makes about as much sense...

...which I found while looking at this one on English Russia.

Great Moments In Baltimore Journalism

2009-01-29T15:37:00.009-05:00

Today in b, Baltimore's classiest free daily:
SUCK IT, SNOW!

Tomorrow's headline:
EAT SHIT AND DIE, WIND CHILL!

And coming this summer:
GO BUTTFUCK YOURSELF WITH NO LUBE,
MOTHERFUCKING HUMIDITY!!1!!1!!!!

Also, the Baltimore Examiner--the weird free paper for rich people, that only poor people read-- announced it was closing. Yes, the one helmed by the editor who allegedly pulled a shotgun on his neighbors. All charges were later dropped, much like his shitty newspaper.

Good riddance, and sorry to those fine journalists who were actually trying to do decent work there.

Hazard Ahead.

2009-01-29T14:24:00.001-05:00

(via Atomic Books)

Classic Crowbar

2009-01-28T10:06:00.003-05:00

Olly Moss does good stuff.

Vader's Fist

2009-01-27T09:49:00.005-05:00

Presenting the story of the genesis of the founding of the 501st Legion: Vader's Fist.

"In 1995, I was sidelined by a traumatic accident where I was pinned between two cars on the side of the road," Johnson says. "That whole next year I spent in a wheelchair trying to save my leg and learning how the newly-emerging Internet worked. In 1997, I was more or less rehabilitated when the Star Wars trilogy was re-released as the Special Editions in theaters. My buddy Tom Crews and I started talking about how cool the stormtrooper characters were and, thinking out loud, imagined actually owning a suit like that. In no time we'd tracked down an ad on the Internet for a suit of stormtrooper armor."

View the 501st's patches and badgery here.

(via io9)

Going Back to Cal (Worthington)

2009-01-27T08:23:00.011-05:00

NPR has a piece on the sad state of the U.S. automobile industry as pertains to that unique specimen of Americana, the car dealership owner. So they talk to SoCal auto salesman and TV ad legend Cal Worthington. Tidbit: his third wife burned down the house while sauteing mushrooms.

And here's a link (can't embed fer some reason) to a fine compilation of his greatest TV ads (TVParty via Jalopnik).

Wetwang to Penistone to Pratts Bottom

2009-01-26T07:54:00.007-05:00

For the 14-year-old etymologist in all of us, a charming bit on con"genital"ly-humorous English towne names (Oh, to live in Spanker Lane).

“It’s pronounced ‘PENNIS-tun,’ ” Fiona Moran, manager of the Old Vicarage Hotel in Penistone, said over the telephone, rather sharply. When forced to spell her address for outsiders, she uses misdirection, separating the tricky section into two blameless parts: “p-e-n” — pause — “i-s-t-o-n-e.”

(Thanks Minky!)

The General's Goat

2009-01-25T08:14:00.011-05:00

Forgot to mention the capture of Gen. Laurent Nkunda.

Still no word on the fugitive status or feeding and walking arrangements for Betty, his pet goat.

Top photo by Benedicte Kurzen/VII Mentor; bottom by Getty Images

Aptly-Named Places to Never Visit

2009-01-25T08:11:00.005-05:00

"Pakistani Taliban punished a man accused of impersonating one of them to extort money in Matta, in the volatile Swat Valley."

Photo: European Pressphoto Agency

RIP

2009-01-23T16:05:00.003-05:00

Things that died this week:

GWOT

GYWO

So long, brave four-letter acronyms beginning with G.

Beeritos

2009-01-22T09:42:00.002-05:00

Open on: Doritos. Beer-flavored Doritos. Man in underpants. Go.

“It’s wordy, it’s cerebral and has a punch line with a frantic edge.”

Said Barack to John: "We're Going To Do It Very Slowly."

2009-01-22T09:20:00.006-05:00

I can't believe they actually did this.

But I can.

"Are you ready to take the oath?" Roberts asked.

"I am, and we're going to do it very slowly," Obama replied.

Hail to the Deadskins

2009-01-21T15:11:00.006-05:00

Long, very analytical "Analysis" piece in today's WaPost about what the Washington Indigenous Peoples Football Team needs to do to stop sucking so hard and get out of third gear. The article suggests such improbable concepts as "Committing to a Plan."

So how can the Skins get better?

Real-world answer, from players and coaches: New linemen.

Never-gonna-happen answer: New management and ownership.

The first team held up as an example of "how to do it" is your "Golden Horseshoe Up Their Ass" Baltimore Ravens, which just lost the AFC Championship game--a brutal, vicious fight which, someday, Willis McGehee will be told about.

But for Redskins fans, who have not enjoyed a regular season with at least 11 victories since the 1991 season, when the team last played in the Super Bowl, the goal might be far simpler: Be like the Falcons. Or the Dolphins. Or, best of all, the Ravens.

Baltimore Sun photo by Kenneth K. Lam

Inauguration Heights

2009-01-21T09:07:00.003-05:00

Click to enlargeify. Courtesy of our OverNerds at Popular Science.

(Via Kevin Hoffman)

Woodward (Bob) and Bernstein (Carl) on Felt (Mark)

2009-01-20T16:02:00.005-05:00

From the Santa Rosa Press Democrat: Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein speaking at Mark Felt's memorial service.

(Via Poynter)

Breaking: Obama is NOT PRESIDENT

2009-01-20T15:03:00.012-05:00

BECAUSE BUSH'S RETARD CHOICE FOR CHIEF JUSTICE IS EVEN LESS ADEPT AT ENGLISH-TALKING THAN W. This, I believe, is part of a cunning plot by the Bushies (or Rovers or Cheneyucks) to retroactively remove Obama from office (which he doesn't even officially hold now, but work with me) and re-install Goober-in-Chief Bush and his S.A. goons. MARK MY WORDS.

[EDIT: This argument will surely be proffered, posited, and promulgated by the anti-thinkingest Ass. Justice, Antonin "I'd Rather Be Practicing Zealous Constructionism Than Thinking!" Scalia, who regards the Constitution as a locked document unworthy of exhibiting flexibility or poised to reward thought and intelligent application, much like those folks who think the Bible is the literal history of the world and time, which has only existed for 4,000 years, you know. So basically, according to Scalia, why should we have a Supreme Court? Why pay for nine justices? We can just have someone who has his or her letters look it up in the Constitution. If it ain't in there, than it ain't thee law. The. End.]

This new conspiracy/meme will supplant the "Obama is not a natural-born American" chestnut effective immediately.

That is all.

Photo: Doug Mills/The New York Times

Orioles Finish First!

2009-01-18T08:25:00.004-05:00

"I never should have gone to Baltimore. That's the most dysfunctional joint I've been around in 42 years of baseball."

-Ex-O's-pitching coach Leo Mazzone, ESPN Magazine, Jan. 26 2009

Lights Out

2009-01-17T08:54:00.004-05:00

"Comrade, let us build nuclear-powered lighthouses to illuminate the workers' paradise and guide the workers' vessels safely through the rocks of the Arctic Circle! Then let us abandon them to the looters and elements. Spasibo!"

Spotted on Neatorama; comes from the stupendous English Russia.

Haai dola dil dola mann dola re dola

2009-01-17T08:16:00.002-05:00

From Devdas.

Best Worst Photoshop for January

2009-01-15T09:08:00.003-05:00